Well it's judging time I'm afraid, but before that give yourselves a big cheer for the final tally of 102 CRAP GAMES!
Damnations joke (c) RebelstarWAC :-)
In judging something so subjective as this I've let the chuntey guide me almost entirely. If I could say before announcing the winners/losers I'd like to say a huge thanks to everyone who entered and joined in the banter on the way, it's been great fun.
OVERALL WINNER (Crappest game)
Joystick Hero by pgyuri
I'm pleased to announce you get first prize of a 75p and a packet of rolos, plus a bonus Cassette 50!
OVERALL LOSER (one of the best games and next years host)
Super UDG Fighterz 2 Turbo by MykeP
ALS Tactics by Jason Railton
Otters on a Plane by Anders Carlsson
Mental Disorder Pacman by Paul Equinox Collins
BEST TYPE IN
Mega Ski by Shaun Bebbington
HARRY S PRICE BURSARY
Noah and the Mower by RebelstarWAC
Advanced Junglist Simulator by Lee Spoons
Vaticania by apenao
Chromatrons Attack by guesser
TROOPER AWARD and BEST CRICKET GAME
Steve McCrea for his 25 entries!
S.N.A.I.L by Wookiee
BEST SUPPORT MATERIAL
Monkey Doo's Fruit Salad for the hit single by retromad
SQIJ BUGGED GAME AWARD
Crisp Snatcher by Steve Broad
Thanks again for all entries, it's been an absolute treat and honour to host this competition, it was exciting every time a new game appeared in the inbox.
Congratulations to pgyuri, commiserations to MykeP!
Good luck to MykeP in hosting the 2014 comp, and I will be getting my own back on him with a crap game or two of my own!
Disagree with any of the decisions? Why not leave a comment and we can have a chat about your favourites.
This marks Paul’s second
entry to the competition and it’s another introspective one.Done in the 1990’s the game is based on a
bonus stage from Super Mario on the GameBoy and named after his then best friend at school,
Daniel.Through Paul, Daniel met and is
now married to one of Paul’s exes, and they are now committed Christians.Paul said he didn’t have time to weave this
tangled web into the game, but I would suggest that given the themes explored
here – luck, fate, life, death, purpose, longevity, in a way he already has.
Ready or not, on loading
you leap straight into the game (no
introscreen or wait for keypress here) and have to work out what to
do.You randomly appear on one of the 4
platforms at a disarmingly fast rate and must press a key to ‘get’ the object
on that platform.Objects are green
crosses (lose a life), clocks (extra time) and yellow boxes (extra life).There is no scoring to speak of, unless you
count the number of goes as such. The speed of change is too fast to properly target anything, so it is
at best guided, at worst random which item you get.So like life, Daniel is a game of chance.
I tried to play through to
the magic number, 256 goes, but annoyingly lost all my lives at the last few
tries after plain sailing for ages.Then
it was game over and reincarnation straight back on the trampoline…
Jason points out that the
idea for this game was conceived decades ago “when a children's nature programme on BBC TV asked viewers to send in
wildlife-themed computer games”, but only now has he realised this vision.
We can breathe a sigh of
relief in that unlike Jason’s other entries, Agatha Christie’s Parrot doesn’t
attempt to be a technical marvel.The
first ‘flaw’, as Jason points out, is that it doesn’t actually even feature a
Parrot – it is in fact a Scarlet Macaw (Ara
Macao)!As a keen birder of course I
recognised this instantly as I keep several in my study at any one time.
These instructions were
provided: **** In
this you take on the role of the famous crime-solving bird, flying high
and swooping down to collect important clues to solving a great murder-mystery.Press any key to dive, and try to collect
more clues than
you miss in order to solve the mystery. ****
It’s actually quite fun!As you press the any key, the bird follows a nice
character spaced swoop (perhaps Agatha
Christie’s Peregrine would be more appropriate?) down onto a passing clue
and upon acquisition you are one step closer to solving the mystery.The bird animation is great, as are the UDGs,
representing typical clues you might see in a murder mystery, like the dagger,
the cocktail, the bomb, the train (?) and the err teddy bear.
Barmy, funny, simple and a
bit crappy.Ticks all the boxes for me.
It gives me great pleasure
to announce that Arda, host of the 2012 CSSCGC and author of Drawlander, has
been biding his time and entered a sizzling little maze game.
Done completely in BASIC,
it brings to mind the joys of ScrapYard Scrapes, and I’m pleased to say I’ve
enjoyed Real Miner just as much.The aim
of the game is to get to the green exit and get as much ore as you can en
route.You can move through bright red
material and, Charles Atlas style, push the rocks that are larger than
you.To move through diamond and rubble
you must use your pick axe, which appears to be made from substandard material
as each one is capable of doing only one hit!Mercifully, like any real mine it is scattered with equally unserviceable
pickaxes in sealed pockets throughout.
Real Miner offers a nod to
some modern gaming styles with its ‘Career Mode’, in which you play a preset
game and follow a real life emulation of what it’s like to be a miner (and what an uncanny representation it
is!).Alongside this, more fun can
be had with the random game and coded game, the screens in real miner are
generated cleverly using procedural generation.
What’s crap about it?For some the UDGs, it returns to BASIC for
the random and coded game (see HACKSACK), the career mode may be impossible (though I’m not sure – more play needed) and
random generation of impossible screens.I love it to bits though, and it would sit nicely on the Cassette 50.
You might be wondering why
it’s called real miner.Well during play
you may be sent into a mine with no pickaxes or in impossible traps and it
becomes clear just how hazardous the life of a miner can be.Arda’s game is clearly a call to arms for
better working conditions in the mining industry.
Murk Alfa (a Star Wars reference?) is Jason Railton’s
third entry to this year’s competition and this one is a jaw dropper.It features wireframe graphics and brings
great games and demos like ‘Escape from Targ’ and ‘Hunter’ to mind, and they
were on the more powerful Amiga.
EDIT > It's been pointed out that it is in fact 'Mercenary: Escape from Targ' and there was a perfectly good Spectrum port available. Not sure about 'Hunter', and short of doing a quick web search for it there is literally nothing I can do.
Jason provided the
Due to an impending
meteoric catastrophe, an entire but obscure
planetary system has been
entirely evacuated.Your task is to
infiltrate the capital
trading district of one of the wealthiest
planet's major cities and
steal the largest diamond in the history of
the universe for your shady
employer.You arrive and leave via the
city's Spaceport.Due to automated security systems still in
must procure all the
materials to complete your quest from within the
O and P - turn left / right
Q and A - step forward /
W and S - sprint forward /
SPACE or M - Fire / Select
To enter a building, walk
under it, stand on its lift pad and press
FIRE, then B or 1-9 for the
floor, 0 to exit.
When you have a suitable
ticket, stand at a bus stop and press FIRE to
summon the bus.
When you have obtained a
city map, press M to view it.
Press I to view an
inventory of collected items.
With a suitable transport
device, press E and D to move faster, but only
With a suitable flight
device, hold FIRE to gain altitude.
So far so good, in fact you
might be wondering why this game isn’t in the best game 2013 competition instead.Well, as good as Murk Alfa is there are a few tiny drawbacks, firstly the speed is buttock clenchingly slow (which
is understandable because there is a lot going on), secondly the upper screen
clears as it is redrawn, so you get a blinking effect when moving, third I can’t
seem to solve any of the puzzles or make lifts work and fourth it returns to
BASIC quite a lot.With this in mind I
began to suspect that Murk Alfa is not quite
the finished article, however Jason gave his assurance that this is “a fully complete technical marvel, and has
in no way given up because MCoder III runs out of memory trying to compile it.”
Nevertheless, Murk Alfa is
a tantalising glimpse of a (potentially) amazing game, so whack your emulator right
up and watch your Spectrum throw some astonishing wireframe shapes.And erm if you can solve any of the puzzles
let me know…